Drugs and Denial

As I walk to meet up with friends I start to recall what I’d done the night before. I was really drunk, taken some kind of drug and slept with someone. Nobody can know about this, but I get the feeling Jenny already knows. It dawns on me that I haven’t talked to my husband for four days. I better touch base, so I send him a text, “hey.” He immediately calls me and rips me a new one. I’m on a business trip, why is he so mad? He says, “I don’t hear from you for this long and out of the blue, you text me, Hey?!?!”

It’s been around a year since I’d been home. It doesn’t seem that long. I’d gone to stay with my mom for just a couple of days while my foot healed and it’s been a year??? My husband had moved on with his life. I’m at his place of work and I’m begging him to give me another chance. A chance to make things right. He brings up a lot of things that were wrong before. I see he got a new car and I mention it. He says he couldn’t afford the other, so he had to. He notices my new car as well. He tells me it was smart to get a smaller more economical one. I also had to. I finally talk him in to letting me go with him to his place. He had to sell our house, because he couldn’t afford it on his own for so long. He says his new place is small and crappy. I don’t care, I’m just happy he’s letting me go with him.

Before we get to his house, we end up at an outside bar that looks like food truck. There is a group of Native Americans there that are friends with my husband. I realize he even has new friends. I get the feeling one of the girls is being protective of my husband, like she’s become like his sister. While we’re there, my husband tells me he knows that I took drugs and slept with one of the people in the group. I deny it, but I know he’s right.  She must’ve told him. He says it’s possible I was drugged and didn’t know or remember it happening. I feel relieved.

We get to his place and it’s like we’re starting from square one again. That awkward feeling of getting to know one another. I’m treading lightly. We do a lot of talking and I’m doing a lot of crying and pleading for us to get back together.

I text him from work to see if I can see him tonight and he agrees. At his apartment one of the Native American men show up. It seems like he is an elder and advises my husband. My husband asks him how we’d be able to be intimate again. He gives instructions. We start to follow them with cheeses on a wooden cheese platter, but all of a sudden my husband stops. He leaves the couch to sit on the bed-there isn’t a bedroom in the apartment. As we sit, talking I see through the sliding glass doors green water gushing like a river by the house next door. I open the doors and the two dogs and tiny horse get out. I’m freaking out. They head toward the neighbors and the gushing water. I’m afraid they won’t come back. My husband isn’t worried, he says they’ll be back. We head to the street and down the hill we can see the river. That’s where the water is coming from. There are a group of people on horses rescuing other horses from the rapids, but I don’t see my husband’s tiny horse.

Back at the apartment we’re just talking when all of a sudden my husband jumps up and says, “I’m going to the gym.” This must be a hint to get me to leave, because it’s 3am. I’m not allowed to stay the night. I’m upset, but I don’t say anything about it. As I’m getting ready to leave I call my mom. She tells me that my stepdad was setting my husband up with someone. The person he’s being set up with knows he’s spending time with me and is mad about it. I’m thinking-what?!?! Why would my stepdad do this and why is she telling me?! After I get off the phone, I casually mention to my husband, “hey, just so you know-I know about the woman my stepdad is trying to set you up with.” He acts like it’s no big deal and they’ve already been out.

I’m moving stuff around while looking for my socks. As I move some shoes to the side I come across something and ask my husband what it is. He grabs it from me and then throws it on me as a joke. I say, “Is this a condom?” He says, “yes.” I know it’s from her. “Why would you do that?”, I ask. “It’s not used, I grabbed the wrong one.”, he says in a dismissive way. Now I know he’s already slept with her and I’m crushed.

I keep wanting to ask him if we can hang out later that night, but think I should probably wait until later in the day to ask.

“A dream that is not understood remains a mere occurrence; understood, it becomes a living experience.” ~Carl Jung

Thank baby jesus for ‘A’, because I felt a bit shaken after this dream. Here is what she had to say:

  • the scenario where you realized you were still married and you were the “cheater” is about you dealing with feelings of guilt or being ashamed of something in your waking life. It does not have to do with cheating and it’s extremely common to be really rattled after these types of dreams, but they’re also very common ones to have. Have you recently had to compromise your beliefs or integrity? Did you have to be dishonest for any reason, no matter how small? It could be showing itself here in your dream.
  • Native Americans are very representative of spirituality. Did you, the day of this dream feel especially connected on a spiritual level that day? They are also a representation of courage and a love of nature. Did you have any moments where you were feeling really connected to the world? Are you feeling really good about something you were a part of or associated with that day? Perhaps this good deed fulfilled you in some sort of spiritual way?
  • the fact that the river was green really stood out to me, further investigation reveals it can be a sign of personal growth and healing.
  • now moving on to you feeling as if you’ve been cheated on-this represents feelings of insecurity on your part that you may “lose what you have” or are having issues with your relationship as it currently stands. This can also be a sign you my be feeling neglected in a relationship. The only way to solve this in waking life, is to have a conversation about it, so you can resolve it.

Whooo! That one felt heavy! Feel free to comment below!

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